7 days, 7 Photos (Day 3)

It is harder to choose one photo that defines your day/self. I've only taken three today of different things, but I can come up with meanings for all of them that correspond to both my day and my life in general. I can narrow it down to two. I'm just going to use both because they oppose and correspond with each other, and I dislike following arbitrary rules.

Photo #1 It's Complicated

This is the UC building at U of T and is not an original subject at all. This building, like all old, fancy looking buildings, has been photographed to death. It's a popular spot for engagement shots, fashion photos, and the often awkward and hilarious faculty photos that professors use for book jackets and faculty websites. It's pretty. I'm not really fond of this building. I prefer Harthouse, which is actually behind it. Harthouse is also pretty and it seems less pretentious somehow. There's things to do in Harthouse aside from class. They have coffee that is easy to locate, and alcohol. The library in Harthouse is probably the warmest, most comfortable room in the world. It might actually be the portal to heaven. I love it there. I've spent time exploring the building and it feels familiar and comforting. UC is not familiar or comforting. It's like Hogwarts without the magic; I am sure that things move around when I am not looking. I once got lost and found my way to this weird empty hallway on the third floor and there was nothing, but a folder of maps pinned to the wall. The maps weren't helpful. There is a coffee shop in UC, but it closed down for several months and has only recently re-opened under a new name. This isn't because people don't want to buy coffee in the UC building, it's because they don't know how to get there. Actually, most people don't know they have a coffee shop. They should give free coffee as a prize for successfully finding the place, a free muffin if you manage to find it twice. There is an art gallery in UC, very few students seem to know about this, or the library, which I have yet to locate. I know generally where it is. I'll get to the point. The UC building is frustrating. Pretty on the outside, but complicated, and full of twists and turns on the inside. This is how I feel about my education at U of T at the moment; it sometimes feels both cold and daunting. It is large, and complex, and it leaves you trapped in a labyrinth to figure it out for yourself, but it looks good on the outside. A degree from U of T means something. That sounds pretentious, and it is. That's the point. It's pretty on the outside, and complicated when you're inside of it. That's not to say it isn't worth it in the end. I spent some time with one of my favorite profs today and got probably the best writing advice I have ever gotten. Revision is important. It was much more detailed and specific than that. He pointed out specific things to look for in revision; Starting points like little threads to pull. U of T does have a lot of incredible profs to go with the extra prestige of their graduation seal on a diploma. I almost feel guilty because I'm not going to revise this. I'm lazy. It was a useful lesson in terms of assignments that I will be graded on and maybe one day I will start revising everything I write but not today. Moving on to the next photo, which is related to my frustration towards university.

Photo #2 Distractions

Sometimes I get anxious. I want to do well. I hope to go to grad school, and it can feel like my entire future and all of my dreams rest on the outcome of a single assignment. One bad grade could ruin my life. On a certain level, I know I'm being dramatic, but when I develop anxiety about an assignment I have a hard time talking myself down. I'm an imperfect person. Anyways, when this happens, I tend become overwhelmed with the pressure and, ironically, will do anything I can to not think about or deal with the assignment. Sometimes I simply drop the class. If that isn't an option there is a possibility I will hand the assignment in late. In my first year I put an assignment off for 2 months after the due date because I started having panic attacks when I tried to write it and would cope through distractions. An understanding professor helped me out of that mess and gave me some much needed perspective. I've gotten better at handling it. It's not the end of the world. I still put things off until the last minute though, which is why I don't revise. (I'm going to start revising! I hope. Update! I'm sort of revising right now.) When I feel anxious about a paper or a test, I will sometimes latch onto the first distraction I can find. This might mean playing sudoku of bejeweled all day, every day, for days on end. It might mean obsessively cleaning my house and sorting through my belongings. More often it means latching on to a subject and obsessing about it until I have learned everything I can. If only I could latch on to what I'm supposed to be focused on. Sometimes I can, but usually it's something unrelated. Like Jian Ghomeshi and that whole situation. That story broke right around the time I had two papers due, and a few midterms to study for, and it was interesting and evolved rapidly. What was terrible for a lot of people, was distracting for me. It was a relief to think about. I learned way too much about the scandal, and Ghomeshi in general. Luckily I've been able to use it this semester to build a few assignments because I am taking Sociology courses and can apply what I didn't need to learn to a number of different topics. Unfortunately, once I am interested in a topic I become hyper-focused on it and anything related to it, which is why I took a picture of the Shad poster. Shad is the new host of Q. I am probably one of the few people who became a fan of Q after the Ghomeshi scandal and I have all sorts of complicated feelings and thoughts about all of that, which I am not going to get into right now. I can say that I feel good about Shad being the new host. It feels right. It feels like the show will continue and evolve and continue to be great. It was just a distraction though, for me. A way to focus my energy on something that was low stakes, something my future didn't depend on. A healthier approach would be to focus that energy on my education and try to learn instead of achieve. I'm working on it.